Ears

From the Department of things you take for granted, I present you with ears.



Around every two years my right ear packs up. Fills up with wax and admits no external noise whatsoever. Oddly enough though it amplifies internal noises so I breathing, pulse, eating, any jaw movement etc - such noises are amplified a hundred fold to the exclusion of all else.



This also presents the listener with other difficulties, apart from rendering you deaf on one side. With only one functional ear it is very difficult to hear sound with any depth. It's like listening in mono and therefore it's also very difficult to hear where a noise is coming from. You really do have to take extra care when crossing the road for instance.



During my last hearing hiatus I went to a meeting with a colleague who sat on my right hand side. At the end of the meeting he said, "Well that went well", and I had to admit that this was news to me as I had only heard half the meeting, which was quite an interesting experience in itself. Imagine only hearing half a telephone conversation and you will have a picture of my experience.



The usual solution to this problem is to get the offending ear syringed and, for anybody who has never had this done, I can assure you it is awesome. It's like getting Dolby Surround Sound installed in your head. You can hear birds twittering five miles away. You can almost hear the things people are thinking about you.



Unfortunately, it has a slightly unfortunate side effect in that, the more you have it done, the more likely your ear is block again and doctors are becoming increasingly reluctant to syringe ears.



So for the next two weeks I will be filling my ear with foul almond-smelling drops - I hate nuts! -in the hope that they will loosen and eventually clear my oracles. So if we meet before next Thursday, which is the date for the "if all else fails - syringe it" appointment with the nurse, can I please apologise for 1) my smelly ears and, 2) failing to hear a word anybody is saying.



Sorry, could you please repeat that???